He Knows You're Alone (1980)

You know that feeling when you're at a birthday party and there's some mediocre music being played and the snacks are just sort of meh and you don't really know anybody so you just sort of hide in the corner and wait for someone to bring out the cake?

This movie was kind of like that. 

Hanx didn't show up until about 58 minutes into the 93-minute stabfest, so in the meantime, we had plenty of time to get to know a whole lot of people in freshly creased jeans and crocheted tam-o-shanters, and one jilted dude wearing eyeliner who just can't seem to let go.

I'm just going to warn you right now - if you don't want a very, very cheesy 80s horror flick spoiled for you, you should probably stop reading now.

I've never been what you'd call a horror movie buff, so I have no idea if all slasher flicks of the era are this inherently cheesy, but if they are, I might have to give it another look. I rather enjoyed heckling the characters from the safe confines of the other side of the fourth wall, and guffawing whenever a not-too-bright character meets his or her demise at the hands of some poor bastard who doesn't rate much of a backstory or an insight into his character. I'm pretty sure the guy just wandered onto the MGM lot by mistake and somebody threw him in a makeup chair, slapped some Cover Girl eyeliner on him, handed him a Ginsu and said "Go stab." 

The killer and his motive are revealed about ten minutes into the film, which seems a little counter-intuitive if you're interested in building suspense. He's the jilted boyfriend of a doe-eyed blonde who shows up and gives her the Benihana maneuver one hour before she's set to marry someone else. The groom in question makes it his life's mission to track down his bride's killer, and the jilted boyfriend makes it his to wander about in a dazed fashion swinging pointy objects at people who are getting married, or people in bridal parties, or things that are generally incompatible with being stabbed (he attempts to slash a windshield, which is not particularly effective). He sets his sights on Amy, a flighty college student who looks like she really wants that part in the upcoming Gilda Radner biopic. 

Amy's death warrant is signed when a bunch of Boy Scouts led by one of the groomsmen surprises her with a rendition of "Here Comes the Bride." Amy is having reservations about her upcoming wedding to Phil, bolstered by the opinions of pretty much everyone around her who all think Phil is "a turkey" for reasons nobody is ever willing to explain. Sadly, for some reason the vendetta against Amy is extended to her friends, a bridal shop employee, and a philosophy professor who's gonna have a lot of 'splaining to do when his wife comes home and finds the coed he'd been stepping out with stabbed to death in their bed (but thankfully, the slasher has spared him this little problem by making him dead, too). 

While his accuracy could use some work, the slasher benefits from a bumper crop of dumb luck. Amy becomes convinced that she's being followed, but none of her soon-to-be julienned friends believe her, because the stalker manages to duck out of sight whenever anyone else turns to look. The people in Amy's life also seem to relish the prospect of sneaking up and scaring the hell out of her, namely Marvin, the ex-boyfriend she dumped for now-fiance Phil, who wants her back. Then, when Amy stops in at church to pray (because it's never a bad idea to get right with Jesus when you think you're being hunted by a lunatic with a box cutter, she hears the twang of organ notes being pounded and sees blood pouring off the crucifix at the alter. The priest smiles knowingly and provides completely innocuous explanations for the startling occurrences. The organ? Oh, I have a cat who likes to walk across the keys - that rascal! And the bleeding visage of Christ is the result of a rusty pipe leaking directly overhead. 

Just as I'm about to give up hope on a.) Amy ever being stabbed and b.) seeing Tom Hanks in action, he shows up at long last, as psychology student Elliot, who is interested in Amy's friend Nancy.

Nancy: "Amy's getting married in a few weeks and she thinks some maniac is following her around."

Elliot: "Oh, is he a big man?"

Amy: "Let's just forget it."

Elliot: "No Amy, "is he a big man?"

Amy: "Yes."

Elliot: "Probably sexual!"

Nancy and Elliot's budding romance is squashed, however, when Amy makes Nancy cancel dinner plans with Elliot to stay home and help Amy feel a little less like a future murder victim. Amy then conveniently leaves the house for a few minutes to run an errand, and it's those brief moments when the slasher decides to enter the house, pluck a kitchen knife from the magnetic rack (you can forget about returning it now), and turn Nancy's head into a coral reef for the aquarium. Amy comes home, discovers her newly renovated fish tank and encounters the slasher, freaks the hell out, and races off to the morgue where Marvin works with the killer in hot pursuit. Eventually, the pair prevails, and the final scene sees Amy getting ready for her wedding to Marvin when she turns to the camera and says, "Oh, Phil! What are you doing here?" 

I can't get into the myriad of things that I loved and hated about this film, because I'd be here all night, and really, I've already droned on for far too long. It's campy horror at its campiest, and it's actually hilarious if you watch it with the right mindset. It's interesting to note that, according to IMDb.com's trivia entries for the film, Elliot was originally supposed to fall victim to the killer. However, Hanx's performance proved so charismatic that the writers opted to write out his demise. 

All joking aside, you have to appreciate how impressive it is that, as a young man of 24 in his very first screen role, Hanks was able to use his ten minutes of character development to persuade writers who relished the prospect of piling up as many bodies as they can to remove him from their hit list. It's difficult bordering on impossible to look at the mop-topped, fresh-faced boy in the Howdy Doody neckerchief of 1980 and not think of the beloved Oscar winner he would one day become, but were I able, I think I still would have thought, "I definitely want to see more of that guy." Obviously, I wasn't alone in this, because within the year, he'd have a starring role in a groundbreaking 80s sitcom, with nearly 40 years' worth of cinema to follow. 

If there is anything to be gleaned from this cautionary tale of wedded bliss that never was, it is this: a little charm goes a very long way.

Oh, and never cancel a date with Tom Hanks, because you'll wind up dead.